It’s December 31, 2022. I’m freshly out of the shower with my 6 year old daughter next to me in our hotel in Austin, TX. She’s just gotten off facetime with her grandma as I pop out with wet hair, fresh face, and jump into the softest sweats I packed. Tonight is MY New Year’s Eve. I am ready. So ready.
That’s my word of the year. I’ve been great at distracting myself with events and trips but this year I’m focusing on ME. Being a mom, loving my home, paying attention to my health, writing, reading, planning retreats, and writing my book. My NYE outfit symbolizes this decision: the year of the Meghan.
This year my personal life was ravaged with more of the same. The family court system is broken as hell and 2022 was another glaring reminder. But in 2023 things will change.
No more photos of my children’s faces.
My children’s images were used against me as an intimidation tactic recently. The thought of using the images of my innocent children to attempt hurt their mother is… I don’t know if there’s a word to describe the depth of the disgust that incites inside me. But I am lucky here, I have complete legal control over the use of their images and I’m putting an end to that. Additionally, my kids are individuals. When they were babies they felt like another appendage of mine, but now they feel unique and I love watching them spread their wings. One likes the limelight, one hates the limelight, and one doesn’t know what to think. But they’re just kids and they don’t really understand what notoriety means so I am going to insulate them from it until they are old enough to be slowly ushered back in if they so choose. Poof. Bye bye Aspen, Hayes, and Hart’s faces from the public eye from this day forward.
My daughter and son scramble to find the best seats on the lawn to watch the fireworks. My third child pulls up the rear after finishing his s’more and we huddle together to view the most spectacular display of fireworks I’ve ever seen. I’m not kidding either. We feet the heat on our faces but it doesn’t dry my tears. Overwhelmed, they stream down my face as I reflect on my position in life. Surrounded by my favorite 3 people in the world at a beautiful resort that I paid for with the job I invented: I work hard to make it look this easy, but now is my year to feel my feels, and being that present comes with grappling with pain.
That night I fell asleep before midnight with my daughter by my side and a full glass of un-drunk champagne beside me and I dreamt about the new year. In my dream I saw a huge live oak growing inside of my home, in fact my home was built around it. My tree of life inside of me, I’d never seen it before. My children were downstairs climbing it with shrieks of joy. I turned around and there was my best friend and the love of my life (I cannot wait to see his face), but this tree was mine all mine.
I’m living authentically this year. I will be inspired to persevere by those brightly lit individuals around me.
My retreats are launched and growing with incredible speed. I am present. I have eliminated all antidepressants and hormonal supplements. I am present. I am enforcing boundaries and angering people because I’m standing up for myself in new ways that weren’t expected before. I am present. I will explore my sexuality if I want to, and I will honor platonic and non-traditional relationships in ways Western society has done the disservice of making us believe are unimportant. I am present. I will delete trolls and negativity, you will come to my page with love or you will not come at all. No bad vibes. I will stand for something even if people hate it, I will work for truth and justice because I have a voice and a platform, and I will make rumblings in grassroots efforts in order to effect change for women, my children, and the future. After all, well-behaved women rarely make history.
The fireworks this New Years Eve each began as a small and unassuming cartridge that then branched out as the tree in my dream into a ferociously magnificent explosion before fizzling out into the night sky; we are left with nothing but the memory. In this moment, I am giving you a glimpse into the milliseconds before the beauty explodes. Some of you may cover your ears or watch from afar, but the brave will be next to me, enveloped in the beauty and forever changed by the memory. For those of you ready to paint the sky with me, I will invite you back to the home in my dreams to witness my tree of life grow. For those who are burned by the heat, I will still honor the goodness inside of you. But for all of you, changes are amongst us and I’m going to make them burn with a heat we’ve never felt before.
2023. The Year of Me.
For more information on signing up for my retreats visit https://www.gaiahavenexperience.com