5 Things I’ve Learned in 4 Years of Marriage

1.  He’s not you – don’t expect him to be.   Maybe you’re a neat freak. Maybe you hate sleeping with the door open. Maybe you like trying new dishes. Maybe you like the forks to go tines-down in the dishwasher. And, maybe he’s the opposite. Just because these things are important to YOU it doesn’t mean they are important to him (although he has an equally long laundry list of weird idiosyncrasies that are probably totally different than yours). Let these things slide and hopefully, he will remember to close the bedroom door some nights, and, if he doesn’t, take a breath and hold your tongue because you didn’t marry your clone.

2.  What’s his love language?   Jimmy likes acts of service. I like quality time. If you aren’t sure how your spouse speaks “love” just watch how he communicates his love to you. Jimmy will wash my car or clean the kitchen.  Even though these are nice, I’d rather the two of us have a nice dinner without cell phones or go on a field trip to the museum. But, I understand that “quality time” isn’t his first (love) language so it’s not as natural for him to think of doing something like this. Nudging him in the right direction is fine but also embracing what he perceives as the greatest acts of love is going to make everyone happier.

3.  Take time for your relationship.  Relationships are hard and take work. They need vacations, too. Unplug and engage; your renewed devotion to your marriage will invigorate your soul.

4.  Allow your marriage to be flawed.  And, be ok with that. We are inundated with perfection via social media. It’s not real. Remind yourself of that. The best marriages are flawed. You read that correctly: the best marriages are flawed! How?  Because they allow their marriage to be a work in progress and don’t put pressure on it to be magically better or different or something they wish it was instead. Just live in the moment and work through differences as they come. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint and no one ever finished a marathon saying “dang, that was easy!” They are sweaty, tired, sore, but they are proud, accomplished, and happy.

5.  Support him – always.  Validate his hard work. Whether it’s helping change a diaper, working 9-5 at his job, taking the dog to the vet, paying the bills, or going to the gym. These things are making your life easier even if indirectly. Encourage his activities outside of your relationship so that he is well-rounded, confident and can appreciate your marriage even more.

  1. Hi Meghan, I just found your blog and I love it! How did you learn how to make a blog and where do I start? ?

  2. OMG! Meghan, you are so wise and after only 4 years of marriage! I’ve been married just a little more than 31 years and everything you have stated is absolutely true! You have a beautiful marriage and family! Continue to be wise 😉

  3. Reading your post has my alarm bells ringing. You aren’t describing a marriage you are describing a business arrangement. My marriage was like yours too. Fortunately I gathered the strength to realise I am more than “staff” on my now ex-husband’s team. We have 3 children and they too were treated like members of his team who he would call into play when the situation arose, or just because he felt like playing Dad.
    Unfortunately, like leopards, narcissists cannot change their spots.
    As much as you love your husband, he NEEDS you and his kids because in his mind that makes him appear normal to outsiders.
    I wish you all the very best Meghan xx

  4. Reading this after reading your latest post about causes one to view your list of 5 things in a different way. The overall theme seems to be you constantly catering to his needs/ego at the expense of your own. The problem with that is it will never be enough.

  5. Your so correct. Marriage IS flawed, hard work, amazing and rewarding. We must forgive a lot, and enjoy each day because we all have low moments. If we make each other better that’s a gift. I’ve been with my Husband for almost 25 years, and our children are all almost grown and we are now proud Grandparents. The bad stuff happens early on and either breaks you or brings you closer. We only get 1 human, maybe 2. But usually one. My husband is my 1 person/human that has my back 100% of the time. Your doing great Megan. Just trust your gut and grow from any pain and keep the BIG picture as your focus.

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