Dear Diary: A Note on Loving Myself

What does loving yourself really mean?  Does it mean you don’t have an addiction?  Does it mean you try to eat healthy or go through a few work-out kicks per year?  Does it mean you love your hair color as it is and never dare dye it?

I don’t know.

As we approach the year anniversary of our “two-week lockdown” I remember how excited I was to cook, reconnect with my kids, and do lazy things you get to do at home.  Ha.  Lockdown is not lazy – I figured that out in about 4 days – lockdown is a mental mind fuck. We protected our physical bodies from the virus at the expense of our souls.

You know what I’ve noticed?  That my followers are getting meaner.  In the last year the comments on my posts have slowly but noticeably gotten nastier and nastier with each passing week.

I knew I had to save myself somehow.

Let me back up.

I had quite a time in the months immediately preceding the lockdown and I didn’t possess the emotional band-with to weather another blow in the form of social isolation while attempting to balance family+work.  I knew I had to get to work right away on loving myself.

I had a great little intro into loving myself.  I’d go on my roof and pray… I’d go running when I could… I’d write myself inspirational notes on my mirrors… I blogged… did breathwork… and tried to start meditating for the first real time in my life.  Once I even went to a Buddhist sanctuary at the beach and hummed for 30 minutes in front of a shrine to Buddha because they told me to.

Then I rediscovered how much I love being outside.

I said F it and started flying again.

So I flew to Utah – often – and hiked and fished and shot guns and boated and went on more hikes and rode bikes and went on some different hikes.  I also discovered baking at altitude is next to impossible.

Then we had an election and collectively we deepened our hatred and finger-pointing and widened the divide the pandemic had created.  Oh yes, our bottled-up disdain for the state of our lives was given an outlet of release: We veiled our pandemic-induced anger as concern for our government as we insidiously judged strangers in the name of political hatred.

After that we underwent a once-in-a-hundred-years polar vortex (please, love your planet, she needs us) and sent our already mortally damaged mental health into another tailspin.

Back to me.

Back to loving me.

“But none of that is about you, Megh, you self-centered egotistical self-important idiot with an eating disorder and you’re not even cute and your tik-toks are dumb actually I think something is terribly wrong with you no wonder your husband left you, you deserved it.”

Yeah… that’s what I hear.  All.  The.  Time.

So yep, back to loving me, because I refuse to let others’ darkness imprint on me.

Which brings us to today.  I’ve started meditating every day for 10 minutes.  I’m terrible, can’t focus, and I have to set a timer.  Sometimes I fall asleep.  But I do it every day without fail because I’m trying to love me more.  I’ve also started doing hot yoga again.  It’s like the most beautiful measured pain in the universe – half meditation/half workout.  I let my hippy-dippy self pop out for a minute: I’ve started lighting incense, drawing cards, using more essential oils, and forcing myself to eat foods I hate – especially fermented ones.

But the hardest?  Looking in my own eyes in the mirror at yoga and saying “I love you.  You can push yourself farther because I believe in you.” And looking into the mirror after a shower and saying to my most loathed features “I love you, broad shoulders.  You have carried the weight of the world and I am proud you are mine.”  Actually, even just looking into my own eyes as if I am an observer who has fallen in love with ME, well that’s hard.

And awkward.

Why is it awkward?  Why am I embarrassed to receive love from myself?  Now that’s messed up.

I’m sick of living my life in the confines of what I “think” I should do or want.  I’m going back to the freedom, innocence, and wide-open possibilities of 6 year old Meghan.

I’m making sure that I get to the point where I’m totally in love with myself and I’ll know when I gaze into my eyes in the mirror and believe it when I emphatically say, “I love you, Meghan O’Toole King, just exactly as you are and everything about you.”  I’ll know I love myself when I wholeheartedly expect the love pouring from my soul into my reflection.  And I’ll know it when my true love for myself is the ultimate comforting reassurance I could possibly hope to discover in any lifetime.

37 Comments
  1. Yes yes yes to this 🙌🙌🙌
    I think you are Amazing, Beautiful, Strong and a great Mama.

    You did not deserve to be treated this way by your Ex or the Trolls.

    You are your own unique YOU
    Never change.
    Love from Northern Ireland xxx

  2. You, go, Girl! I absolutely agree with you on all points! Love yourself and if others don’t like you, so what…It is their loss. You are an amazing young woman and God bless you in all you do for yourself!

  3. I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for your candor and honesty. You are right, it is hard to grow and evolve and remain true to yourself, in front of so many judgmental and mean people. However, I can see that is making you stronger and wiser. Enjoy life, your youth and your beautiful children the best you can.

  4. Life is hard with all of its unexpected derailments, some leaving what feels like a path of destruction that you’ll never recover from. Each time, as you’re forced to pull yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward again, you’ll eventually realize you’ve grown in ways you never imagined, You can either chose to GROW by developing emotional strength, build coping skills, becoming more tolerant/ patient, learn life changing relationship skills and the list goes on. Or you can become BITTER – resentful, hateful and spiteful. When you’re looking at your beautiful face in the mirror and reciting your positive affirmations, add pride in yourself for choosing to GROW. ❤️

  5. Dearest Meghan,

    It is so hard to read these words from you. A couple years ago you were a confident, thriving woman. It is sad that you have to rebuild yourself but I get it. I’ve allowed my family to tear down my confidence and self respect for my whole 74 years on this earth and wish I had the determination and courage that you have. So go get ‘Em Meghan. For both of us. 😘❤️

  6. Wow that was written from the soul and so brave. I can’t believe people say those disgusting things about you I guess haters gonna hate stay strong and do you x❤

  7. Very succinct and beautifully written . I’m sorry you have received terrible comments lately. I enjoy looking at how you moved with young children and all the tips you provide mothers and women. Thank you for sharing .

  8. Shine-on baby!!! You always do
    You and I think you are great. Very inspirational and you are one hell of a writer! ❤️

  9. Awwww this makes me sad to look at how beautiful you are and employ so many talents(and I loved your tik toks by the way) and we all still have insecurities! You are so brave and have a wonderful life and children! You will get there, I have no doubt, just keep doing you and you got this! ❤️

  10. I hope the audience you hope to retain is as wealthy as you are. Choosing to fly again or do hot yoga or scuba dive is such a stark comparison to the millions trying to make ends meet as they lost their lives or jobs to the virus. Staying home or not flying isn’t hard. It’s the responsible thing to do. You can love yourself in your house or community safely without putting your family or others at risk.

  11. You are a brave and amazing woman. Keep doing you. You’re a shining light that sometimes attracts the dark creatures. Ignore them. Your honesty and strength will carry you and others too. Keep going, writing, living. We appreciate it. 💗

  12. You are beautiful and have a talent for writing. Your battle scars are badges of honor, the roadmap that formed who you are today. I have wondered as women why do we so easily give love to others, but when we look in the mirror we have trouble giving and accepting the same love with ourselves? Because of your journey and your being so open to us your daughter will have a beautiful example of what it truly means to be an empowered woman. You my friend are a beautiful soul and a light in this world. Thank you ❤️

  13. Beautifully written. You do you. It is insane that we care what a bunch of strangers think of us🤷🏻‍♀️ ❤️👏

  14. I think being in the entertainment industry would be SO hard. In my journey to find self love I get to tune out and turn off the media. I get to reflect on the insane amount of photoshopped, edited, and distorted reality we are spoon fed on the daily. I get to step out and remember that this was NEVER supposed to be the goal. It’s not real and it’s not healthy. But when your are in the industry this insanity is EXPECTED. You don’t get the choice. You don’t get to step out. You don’t get to turn it off. You are just expected to be this perfect, not real, zombie person ALL the time. And when you are just a real, normal, natural human, people attack. Because we have wasted SO much time buying into the nonsense that if we realize it’s not real or obtainable, we would have to admit we have been decieved. It’s all been a lie and we were foolish enough to fall for it. So instead is feeling sympathy or humanity towards the insane pressure put on celebrities, we attack them when they hint of imperfection. And let me be clear, humans are meant to be imperfect. And so the insane cycle continues. In your quest for self love I hope you remember the hate given to you is about the giver. They are SO afraid to love themselves as they are, right now, today. It’s easier to give hate to you than to love themselves. It’s never about you. It’s always about the hate they feel towards themselves.

  15. Beautiful. This is the most authentic thing I’ve seen you post. I could really take a page from your book. Bravo girlfriend. I’m proud of you!

  16. Dear Meghan, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through the last couple of years. There’s been so much unfairness and stress for you. And it’s true about the mean comments. It’s says everything about them and nothing about you and the person you are. These mean and cowardly bullies are hiding behind a veil of anonymity. They’re sad people. And your ex.. well, history repeats itself, and karma catches up with people.
    You’re so inspiring! Always real and enthusiastic and adventurous. Not to mention a wonderful and loving mother. And you’re beautiful and caring and smart.
    I came from a similar place that you’re growing out of now. But I stayed stuck, and wasted several of the best years of my life. So I’m so happy that you’re learning to love yourself and create a happy life. You deserve it!!
    All the best to you!!! ❤️

  17. Meagan, I enjoyed this. Glad you came through the major crisis like a Champ! You are Beautiful!! This picture is stunning!! F the haters!!! Their just miserable people, probably jealous of you! Your a GREAT MOM!! I love following you & those precious cuties❤️❤️❤️❤️ My phone about to die. Just know,there are people who love & admire you!! I love that your a straight shooter! You were on OC. I admired so much about you. Helping Leann, dealing with Hayley ! All you went through to have your babies!!! You ROCK! Love from Alabama ❤️

  18. I’m so sorry that people comment such mean things to you. That is a reflection on them not you dear. From following you on social media it looks like you are kicking butt girl. You are beautiful- you are a great Mom with the cutest kids. You just keep on shining…and loving yourself.

  19. My suggestion would be to get off social media, it allows the haters to knock you back 4 steps when you just moved forward 2, but, I know that is your job, how you make money to support yourself, so it is a bit of a pickle.

  20. I adored you on RHOC and had the pleasure of meeting you at a Cardinal HOF Ceremony You were very gracious and sweet. So, I’m a fan.

    I’ve been where you are. The ☀️ is right around the corner!

    My suggestion would be stop posting articles to make us feel sorry for you. We’ve all got kids or we’ve done it . We don’t need to see the meltdowns, you aren’t doing anything new. Plus, you have the good fortune to have support. Maybe, teach the kiddos to pick up or get rid of all those toys. Clutter clutters the mind!

    Stay home, turn off the phone and be PRESENT for them. This time will go faster than you can ever imagine. When they go to Dad’s, do a deep clean and just enjoy the quiet and beautiful home you have. It’s not a competition w Dad’s house, either. You are Mom. You are their 💗.

    Stop running to men. Make them come to YOU! You have posted about your dates, but you fly to them! Bullshit. If you meet someone worthy, they will put you FIRST. You don’t want to be Queen, you want to be EMPRESS!

    Your ex was an ass when you were married, he was an ass before (although one hell of an athlete), but we don’t need to see the nasty of the breakup. Remember, your kids will one day read it, and the steps are reading it now. I’d hire someone to scrub your social media!

    Post HAPPY. Project HAPPY. Think HAPPY.

  21. Great job! Your ex is a total narcissistic jerk. I am a Christian so I would not chant to Buddah or play with tarot cards. You are a strong woman. Ppl are getting nastier for certain, so sad. The lockdown has been a horrible joke played on all of us. God bless you.

  22. So much love for this post. I am in a similar place in my journey. I just returned home from a week at Canyon Ranch in Tucson and I highly recommend you take a look at all they have to offer. I wish I could afford to live there!

  23. I love this blog! I think it’s raw and honest. Self love is so hard to master and is a continuous journey and for women I think it starts far too late in life. I’m 50 and started mine last year. I highly recommend the book Miracle Mornings by Hal Elrod to help you on this journey. I started my journey last February with a clean eating challenge because I have Lupus and Addison’s disease and with all the chemo, steroids and other drugs it has taken such a toll on my body that I wasn’t getting any better and had gained so much weight I needed to take control. I felt so much better that I just kept going with it and my mind started feeling better along with my body so I kept improving one thing at a time and loving myself. Doing exactly what you’re doing basically. I stopped feeding my mind and body all the crap that everybody and myself had fed it for years!!! It’s none of my business what anyone thinks about me and it’s none of your business what anyone thinks about you except YOU! Of course I do think you’re AMAZING… a fucking rockstar for leading by example for you and your kids!!! Keep going!

  24. Wonderfully written by a genuine, honest soul. I see you girl…and your appreciated. Loving oneself (IMO) is a constant lifelong effort. Similar to loving a spouse. We change, the world around us changes & we must always continue to work at loving ourselves. As for myself…I have been on a personal grief journey since 2016. My mother fell ill & passed away 6 days later. Then just 7 short months later my first born daughter passed away tragically & unexpectedly from a Massive Pulmonary Embolism. In that time loving myself has been a DAILY struggle as I’m also trying to figure out the “new me”! Grief, loss, tragedy changes us permanently. Anyways…I have found that I am able to work on loving MYSELF by loving OTHERS. If that makes any sense?! I am the most happy with myself when I can reflect on what I am putting out in this universe….love, kindness, compassion. I cannot speak on this being a wrong or right method but I can say its what’s working for me today. Sending you some of that love (virtually) Ms Meghan & wish you the most successes on your personal journey

  25. Meghan..
    I think you are beautiful and doing the best you can with the circumstances you have been dealt with! People are mean..why..cuz I always feel they are miserable with themselves..that is why they have nothing good to say to you or anyone at all..I always told my kids growing up..if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut..if all two people were alike in this world, it would be a dull world..I wish you happiness and joy..and I think you are beautiful..take care of yourself and those beautiful babies of yours..p.s. don’t read what the haters write, just delete, you don’t need that shit in your life!!!!!
    Julie

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